Don't Hate Me Cause I'm Beautiful...

I emailed my sister the other day and said “maybe I should start blogging” as a solution to having no friends and potentially wanting to find other single moms, or just other people, with my same interests. I’m realizing while that sounds all good, too, the truth is that I need some means to sort out my cluster-fuck of a brain. For real.

So first of all, here’s a little disclaimer: No, I don’t really think “I’m beautiful”. I just love that saying. And as some y’all may find out soon enough…. In my case, it’s ironic.

Second, I seriously think blogging in general (or even keeping a journal) has just seemed like such an arduous task in my brain because (see above) it’s such a cluttered mess as it is that “blogging” or writing about it just seems so overwhelming – I mean, where do I start?

So as I was just outside, hosing down the house and the walkway, and the plants, and the windows…then the walkway again (seriously, why is washing down a bunch of dirt with a jet stream so uhhh… cathartic?), all these thoughts ran through my head. So here they are in random/ simple form and maybe one day this list will serve as my table of contents, if you will…. and I shall elaborate on each as they come. Hey, you gotta start somewhere, right??  (and here's a tip:  read everything I say with a grain of sarcasm, and you're off on the right start!)

 

1. Like I said, why is washing, cleaning, or scrubbing down something so cathartic at times? I mean, seriously, do I have a case of the OCD or what??
2. Why is my ex such an a-hole who refuses to get a job?
3. Where did all my money go? My guess is #2…
4. I love my new house. Finally, after moving 4 times this past year, maybe this time I will settle down….
5. Omg, whythefuck did I buy a new house?? I’m so broke. And getting deeper in debt….. sigh. Maybe I should start thinking about moving somewhere else?  :) 
6. Is it bad that sometimes at 1:00pm when my son finally goes down for a nap, all I really want is a drink? I mean, let’s talk about that, shall we?? 
7. According to spell check on Word, “blogging” isn’t even a word. Hate to break it to you. :)
8. Guilt.
9. #8 always trips me up – I seriously just sat here and thought for 10 minutes after I just typed that silly 5-letter word. And… a deep sigh. Seriously. Why do I feel so goddammed guilty all the time? Why do I think I’m such an awful person? Why, anytime I have a negative emotion about something, does that have to be coupled with the guilt of even feeling that emotion? I seriously have a lot of guilt all the time – even worse since motherhood. I’m going to need to find some way to love myself and do the things I need to do for myself… without the guilt. If anyone has any clue where to start… I’m all ears.
10. My mother is seriously whack. Yet why do I feel so guilty not trying to get in touch with her? For years she ignored me, and now she tries to talk to me, and I ignore her.. is it just payback? What is the answer here? I really don’t know.
11. Speaking of blogging as “therapy” – my counselor must have really not wanted my money because, if she did, she would have tried to regain my business after missing our appointment time.. Gee, should I take this as “I have no problems and she is saving her time for people with bigger issues?” I mean, I seriously only let this bother me because, well, I’m a sales person… and general lack of customer service bugs the shit out of me. I mean, here’s the deal – I’m the type of person who doesn’t really want to go to counseling anyways, but hey, you finally got me there. Now, I’m opening up and spending my $$ - we miscommunicate about one appointment, play a couple weeks of phone tag, and then you never call me back again?? Like I said, I guess she doesn’t need the money. Fair enough….I mean, I didn’t really want to go anyways. BITCH. :) hahah.
12. Sometimes I think I’m the only one that thinks I’m funny.
13. I have a new man. He’s seriously awesome. I can’t even begin to tell you how much. And, yeah, I’m fully aware that if anyone were to screw this up…. Yes, it would be me.
14. I seriously didn’t think being a single Mom would feel any different than being just a “Mom” – but yeah, seriously, I feel it. And what’s worse is, I feel it at times in the “prejudice” of others. Like, “ohh” you’re a single mom…. Maybe it’s the circles I run around in? Hm, actually there are no circles I run around in besides my own mind. But I digress… when did being a single mom suddenly make me of a different class? I guess I didn’t know. Not to say I would go back. But I’m soon to be worried about the effects it will have on Jacob at school – “oh, you have TWO houses? Your mommy and daddy don’t live in the same house?” My own feelings about this growing up merge into my feelings about Jacob growing up with this, and they’re both positive and negative. It’s just that the positive outweighed the negative while I was going through it and trying to get out - and now that I sit in this position, on the other side, the negative that he might face sits more in front of me, and I need to take a look at that.  And learn how to handle it.
15. No matter how much I want a drink when he goes to bed…. There’s no better joy than when he wakes up.
16. Having good sex again is … well, Fun. :) I never knew you could have the sex AND be good friends…. Dammit.  Why didn’t I meet him sooner??
17. Am I a closet Miley Cyrus fan because I love her song “7 things” or whatever it’s called? But it’s true…. I love this song. It’s the love/hate thing. I so can relate.
18. What can I do to become a better person? I have so many things I love and want to do, and my intentions are always good…. But somehow, every way I go about it sometimes, just seems to come out wrong. This, too, makes me want to hide.
19. The real estate market needs to pick back up or else I’m seriously screwed.
20. This blog will go nowhere unless my ever-so-popular queen of Blogistan sister spreads the word…. And love. : )

Hey,…. That actually might have worked. I feel a bit relieved. I just saved $150 on a counseling session and yet another $0.50 on my water bill……

Best of all, my son is here now… alive and well. And cute as always…. And I’ve just relieved myself of some of the undue stress in my brain so that I can now give him my full attention. I’m reminded all the time of what really matters…. And that’s him.

So thanks for reading… and off I go to play Hot Wheels. Then maybe finally at some point today I will take a shower…..like I said, don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Comments

[Hilly]

Where did my other comment go, dammit? Anyway, I said...I think you are fucking funny. I snorted a few times when reading this, especially at number 12.

I like your blog and we'll work on the "look" of it. Other than that, this first post is totally great. And honest. And real.

Yay - love you and I am so glad you are blogging. Again.

[Winter]

Where have heard that exact ironic tone before? Hmmmn.... Welcome to the blogging world aka the blogosphere or PRB!

[Karl]

Welcome to the blogiverse! Amazing it's taken you this long to show up. And dammit, you already have a boyfriend? I guess stalking you is out of the question now.

[adena]

Hi Hilly's sister!!

Welcome to the blogging world!

(and you two TOTALLY are sisters...I mean, wow.)

[jester]

Oh My Stars. My bestest hag has a sister who is also blogging? I might die from joy!

Or by being suffocated by all the boobies...

[Dickie Maxx]

Welcome to the blogging world. First let me say you are beautiful and wicked funny. There is nothing wrong will letting the world know.

[Laurence]

Hi from France ! ;)

[shiny]

Life can be all dramatic and psychotic at times -- but every so often you get to stop and play Hot Wheels. And that maesk it all worth it. :)

Welcome to the 'osphere! Hope to see you around...

[Dagny]

Welcome to the world of blogging. Yep. Much cheaper than therapy. And sometimes even better.

[RiceWenchie]

Welcome & have fun! :o) It so nice to meet a fellow closet Miley Cyrus fan! I love that song also...

[HoosierGirl]

Welcome to the blogosphere. I am a single mom, too. How old is your son? My youngest is 8.

And yes, ex-husbands are a-holes. They just are. I think someone pulls them aside after the divorce is final and gives them "jerk" lessons. They're idiots.

Stop by my place sometime.

J.

[kapgar]

Better than washing, et al, is just breaking stuff. Far more cathartic. Really. Sometimes pricier, so that's not the best. Oh well.

Welcome.

[Iron Fist]

Hey! Welcome to this blogging thing! Just wanted to drop by and say hi.

[hello haha narf]

hi there! i'm thrilled that hilly's sister now has her own site. welcome to the fun!

becky

[foo]

Yay, Court...glad you are back to blogging. I've always enjoyed your sense of humor. We must get your sister back in town for some serious girl time. Cocktails would be a good start!

[beth]

Being a Mom = Guilt
Having a Mom = Guilt

There's no escaping it, we just do the best we can and cross fingers for a semi normal outcome!

Good post!

[kat]

i am so glad "blogging" isn't really a word. i always hated that word.

welcome to the block!

[Miss Britt]

I am cracking up. This post could SO have been written by Hilly.

Oh, and, HI!

[Stacy]

I just found your sister's blog this morning and now yours... I have a feeling these will be must-reads and moved up to the A-list of my reader. Yeah, you should feel pretty special lol... good luck with it, I am working on starting my own, but somehow I spend all my time reading OTHER ppl's therapy! G'luck! ~ Stacy

[Krystle]

Hahaha! Sisters? I think so... and I've only been reading Hilly for a little while. Too funny.

Welcome!

[Princess of the Universe]

Wow! What are you going to write about next time? You covered a lot there!
Welcome to the blogging world!

xo

[Crys]

hello by way of Hilly! welcome to the thoroughly deranged and debauched world of blogging. make sure you have enough wine!

[Avitable]

Welcome to blogging!

[Diane Mandy]

Another blogger from Hilly here

WELCOME! I hope you find this experience cathartic. I, for one, started blogging because it was cheaper than therapy.

[tori]

What a great first post! I can't wait to read more.