Calgon Take Me Away!

Tick-tock, tick-tock....

Ok, so I keep referencing back to my original post thinking I'll start tapping into each one of my "issues" from there - but oddly enough, I don't feel like getting into all that negative crap just yet.  It truly is kinda amazing... once I just got all that stuff out "on paper", it's like... ok, time to move onto something else.  I thought this blogoverse, or blogosphere, or blogistania, or blog-o-republic, or whatever! would be my place to just like, vent the crap out of things and suddenly be healed!  I'm realizing, however, that maybe sometimes, although I feel it, I don't need all that negativity, and maybe I need to talk about the good things, too!

So anyways... tick-tock.  What's this about?  Well, for starters, I just had another day today where I truly wondered, where did all the time effin go??  Then I was thinking tonight about sitting down on here to Blog - ok, seriously, how do you all do it?  I mean, life gets busy enough, and then add this new layer to things - reaching out to friends.  Omg. Well, that just like, adds more shite to my plate - now, I gotta get back to people.  I gotta give and take - if I want them to read mine, I should read theirs.  Now, I feel bad if I don't.  Now, people will be HUGELY disappointed if I don't grace them with my presence and clever-hood ( is that even a word?) in the boggin universe.  :)   

Ok, Ok.... I kid, I kid.  Wow, what an ego-maniac, huh??   

Ok, but seriously... back to that whole "Time" thing.  I've always felt like everyone has the same 24-hours in a day.  So who are these goddammed over-achievers that do 20x more with it than I do and why do I feel so inadequate as a result?  I work, bath, eat, sleep - and do all the same simple "chores" for a 3 year old - and I'm friggin BEAT.  Who are these people exactly, that go to school, on top of work, plus join the frickin' Jr.League, who meet friends for dinner, who maintain a husband or a relationship, and workout every day, and who.... do yoga.   I mean, seriously.  Who has time to relax??

My beau, my main squeeze, sexy manly man... Bryan....  just told me, "I think you expect too much out of youself".  Funny, because I have heard that before.  Thing is, only this time, I believe it... because well, I love and respect him. (awww.)  And he has a point. I guess it's not as simple as I described in the paragraph above. I mean, I actually do more on a daily basis than just eat and sleep... oh yeah, and bathe.  Here's a typical day for me - well, on a normal day off - wake up call at 7am, and my mind starts going:  "I think today, I will clean the whole house, then paint it, landscape the backyard, completely clean out the garage, give to goodwill, hike 5 miles, lose 6 lbs, reconnect with 5 friends, call everyone in my phone book, have lunch with a neighbor, go to church, do one good deed for someone, BLOG, find a new job, make $5 million dollars and.... have a drink."  :)

What do you mean, I have "high expectations of myself"?  Psht.

I think sometimes I just want to do everything in one day... which in fact, goes back to my whole #1 on the list from my first post - the whole OCD "scrubbing, cleaning, hosing" disease I got goin' on.   It's kinda like, if I can't make sense of the stuff that's really going on with ME right now... I'll just clean, organize, paint, re-create, build, make a small miracle happen... I mean, whatever.   I'll do whatever it is I need to do to feel productive and like I've gotten past all the "clutter" in my brain.  Seriously.   Wow, it even exhausts just writing about it.

Anywyas, originally along with this whole "tick tock" post, I wanted to get into something else... and it really was about the whole woman "my clock is ticking" thing...  But wow.  I am seriously now seeing how this whole blogging things starts to take on a life of its own.  How do you confine to just one topic?  It's like you start talking about one thing and then, bam.... whoa, let the floodgates open! Hello, Pandora's Box.

Am I wrong?

So maybe I'll save my Bryan-talk and future need for pro-creation for the next post... but not too long now.  I mean, like I said..... TICK. TOCK. 

(haha, and right about now my Sis is saying to herself "whoa."  :)

See you soon and thanks again for reading. 

Batteries Not Included....

I know what you're thinking ....  no no, let's not get kinky here, shall we?  After all, we only just met.... I don't get into sex talk until at least the 3rd post :)

I'm talking about Me.  Sometimes I think people need to read the label on my back - "warning: when used for prolonged periods without being recharged, system may become temperamental with interrmittent power surges until it finally shuts down completely.  For your safety, place system back on charger and leave it alone for ... at least an hour." 

I work in sales.  I have a 3 year old.  I have an Ex I still have to talk to.  And now I have a new man.  Seriously, who doesn't want something from me these days??  Some days I feel like I might seriousy implode if one more person needs me to talk to them. You would think being in sales I'd have to be naturally extroverted - buzzzz. Wrong!  I seriously think it's a "learned skill" because talking to people all day and putting on a smile just doesn't come naturally to me.  I mean, I know we all get drained... but seriously. I get to the point where I think I might die (or kill someone) if someone yanks at that tooth one more time and makes me talk.  Omg, leave me alooone!

So I had one of these nights last night.  My son, cute as can be, is a talker.  Go figure.  I mean, I'm so proud of him and the incredible vocabulary he has grasped since a very early age.  Every day he says stuff that still amazes me and makes me a proud mama.  But.  Did I mention he's a talker? He never stops.  No, God did not bless me with the quiet, shy, bashful child... he gave me the boisterous, outgoing, assertive, talkative one!  Gee, think he'll go into sales someday??   There is not a quiet moment, unless he's eating....  mm hmm, you get the picture.  Let's just say I ride that fine line between noise tolerance and keeping the kid off of the "childhood obesity statistics" list.   "Jacob, Mama needs some peace and quiet... here, you wanna lollipop?"

So like I said, last night I just had one of those nights.  I've had the lil' guy for 4 days straight, and between him and work and trying to be the "little misses that could" for the new man.... I was drained.  I couldn't wait for everyone to just go to sleep so I could get my alone time with a little "attitude adjustment" (aka "red wine") 

I drank the whole bottle, stayed up until 1am, playing around on Facebook....  It was great.  I was fully recharged. It was just what I needed!! My, how I love life!!

Until this morning....

  Apparently I forgot to put the system back on the charger overnite.  So I'm back at work, in the office with the revolving door, just waiting to go home and listen to the trials and tribs of everyone else's day.  And I'm drained.  Again.  I wonder what kind of "attitude adjustment" I'll have tonight??

Rinse, and repeat....!

Welcome Parade..

I just wanted to say Thanks to all who commented.... and I look forward to "meeting" some of you soon and getting the chance to read your pages as well...whenever I get some free time, that is!  Seems free time is hard to come by these days, then once I have it, I'm usually at work, and of course, Big Brother is watching!   Anyways, My sis promises to also spruce my page up a bit - I'm sure looking at this ever-so-basic format has some of you cringing!   

So a great day to all... and I shall be back soon!  I must say, the pressure is on, to think of something even more clever to write. Some days, my brain just doesn't function as well as others..... and today is definitely one of those. :)

Don't Hate Me Cause I'm Beautiful...

I emailed my sister the other day and said “maybe I should start blogging” as a solution to having no friends and potentially wanting to find other single moms, or just other people, with my same interests. I’m realizing while that sounds all good, too, the truth is that I need some means to sort out my cluster-fuck of a brain. For real.

So first of all, here’s a little disclaimer: No, I don’t really think “I’m beautiful”. I just love that saying. And as some y’all may find out soon enough…. In my case, it’s ironic.

Second, I seriously think blogging in general (or even keeping a journal) has just seemed like such an arduous task in my brain because (see above) it’s such a cluttered mess as it is that “blogging” or writing about it just seems so overwhelming – I mean, where do I start?

So as I was just outside, hosing down the house and the walkway, and the plants, and the windows…then the walkway again (seriously, why is washing down a bunch of dirt with a jet stream so uhhh… cathartic?), all these thoughts ran through my head. So here they are in random/ simple form and maybe one day this list will serve as my table of contents, if you will…. and I shall elaborate on each as they come. Hey, you gotta start somewhere, right??  (and here's a tip:  read everything I say with a grain of sarcasm, and you're off on the right start!)

 

1. Like I said, why is washing, cleaning, or scrubbing down something so cathartic at times? I mean, seriously, do I have a case of the OCD or what??
2. Why is my ex such an a-hole who refuses to get a job?
3. Where did all my money go? My guess is #2…
4. I love my new house. Finally, after moving 4 times this past year, maybe this time I will settle down….
5. Omg, whythefuck did I buy a new house?? I’m so broke. And getting deeper in debt….. sigh. Maybe I should start thinking about moving somewhere else?  :) 
6. Is it bad that sometimes at 1:00pm when my son finally goes down for a nap, all I really want is a drink? I mean, let’s talk about that, shall we?? 
7. According to spell check on Word, “blogging” isn’t even a word. Hate to break it to you. :)
8. Guilt.
9. #8 always trips me up – I seriously just sat here and thought for 10 minutes after I just typed that silly 5-letter word. And… a deep sigh. Seriously. Why do I feel so goddammed guilty all the time? Why do I think I’m such an awful person? Why, anytime I have a negative emotion about something, does that have to be coupled with the guilt of even feeling that emotion? I seriously have a lot of guilt all the time – even worse since motherhood. I’m going to need to find some way to love myself and do the things I need to do for myself… without the guilt. If anyone has any clue where to start… I’m all ears.
10. My mother is seriously whack. Yet why do I feel so guilty not trying to get in touch with her? For years she ignored me, and now she tries to talk to me, and I ignore her.. is it just payback? What is the answer here? I really don’t know.
11. Speaking of blogging as “therapy” – my counselor must have really not wanted my money because, if she did, she would have tried to regain my business after missing our appointment time.. Gee, should I take this as “I have no problems and she is saving her time for people with bigger issues?” I mean, I seriously only let this bother me because, well, I’m a sales person… and general lack of customer service bugs the shit out of me. I mean, here’s the deal – I’m the type of person who doesn’t really want to go to counseling anyways, but hey, you finally got me there. Now, I’m opening up and spending my $$ - we miscommunicate about one appointment, play a couple weeks of phone tag, and then you never call me back again?? Like I said, I guess she doesn’t need the money. Fair enough….I mean, I didn’t really want to go anyways. BITCH. :) hahah.
12. Sometimes I think I’m the only one that thinks I’m funny.
13. I have a new man. He’s seriously awesome. I can’t even begin to tell you how much. And, yeah, I’m fully aware that if anyone were to screw this up…. Yes, it would be me.
14. I seriously didn’t think being a single Mom would feel any different than being just a “Mom” – but yeah, seriously, I feel it. And what’s worse is, I feel it at times in the “prejudice” of others. Like, “ohh” you’re a single mom…. Maybe it’s the circles I run around in? Hm, actually there are no circles I run around in besides my own mind. But I digress… when did being a single mom suddenly make me of a different class? I guess I didn’t know. Not to say I would go back. But I’m soon to be worried about the effects it will have on Jacob at school – “oh, you have TWO houses? Your mommy and daddy don’t live in the same house?” My own feelings about this growing up merge into my feelings about Jacob growing up with this, and they’re both positive and negative. It’s just that the positive outweighed the negative while I was going through it and trying to get out - and now that I sit in this position, on the other side, the negative that he might face sits more in front of me, and I need to take a look at that.  And learn how to handle it.
15. No matter how much I want a drink when he goes to bed…. There’s no better joy than when he wakes up.
16. Having good sex again is … well, Fun. :) I never knew you could have the sex AND be good friends…. Dammit.  Why didn’t I meet him sooner??
17. Am I a closet Miley Cyrus fan because I love her song “7 things” or whatever it’s called? But it’s true…. I love this song. It’s the love/hate thing. I so can relate.
18. What can I do to become a better person? I have so many things I love and want to do, and my intentions are always good…. But somehow, every way I go about it sometimes, just seems to come out wrong. This, too, makes me want to hide.
19. The real estate market needs to pick back up or else I’m seriously screwed.
20. This blog will go nowhere unless my ever-so-popular queen of Blogistan sister spreads the word…. And love. : )

Hey,…. That actually might have worked. I feel a bit relieved. I just saved $150 on a counseling session and yet another $0.50 on my water bill……

Best of all, my son is here now… alive and well. And cute as always…. And I’ve just relieved myself of some of the undue stress in my brain so that I can now give him my full attention. I’m reminded all the time of what really matters…. And that’s him.

So thanks for reading… and off I go to play Hot Wheels. Then maybe finally at some point today I will take a shower…..like I said, don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.